A Strangling Winter

Other things
When the sand turns to glass, and all that's left is the past, I will love you still.
Other things
Take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up beside of me
In whispers, it convinces me
Other things
Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
Other things
As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone.
Other things
If love's a word that you say Then say it, I will listen.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Theme Days
"Order and simplification are the first steps in the mastery of a subject." - Thomas Mann, German Novelist and Essayist

In an attempt to establish some background, as well as add some organization to this blog, I've decided to create some posting parameters. I hereby christen Wednesday "Way Back Wednesday" and Fridays "Friends & Family Friday."

On "Way Back Wednesday," I'll be delving into my memory to post about past situations that have profoundly affected my present and my future.

On "Friends & Family Friday," I'll be introducing the internet to the people closest to me.

It is my sincere hope, that these theme days will also force me to post more frequently.

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posted by Aurelie @ 4:42 PM   0 comments
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Insomnia
It appears that every man's insomnia is as different from his neighbour's as are their daytime hopes and aspirations. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

I've been struggling with insomnia lately, as evidenced by the fact that I cannot seem to fall asleep until 3 am, with the TV blaring infomercials in the background. On Wednesday night, at the suggestion of my doctor, I agreed to take an Ambien. Knowing my penchant for making Ambien-induced phone calls, I placed my iPhone across the room and made sure my password was in place. Unfortunately, it was all for naught. Starting at 12:51 a.m., I made a series of phone calls to members of my contact list. I only discovered that fact this afternoon, when scrolling through my call log. After texting my victims my apologies, I was able to gather the following snippets:

Ethan, asking about my cat: Where's Josie?
Me, rolling around in bed: She's laying right next to me. And she's morphing. She's beautiful.

Me, oversharing as usual: I went to the lady doctor today, and she said the baby factory seems to be in working order.
Ethan, trying to sound interested: Oh really?
Me, acting oblivious: Yes, and I'm going to buy some books about getting married and having babies, so I'm ready when you ask me. Lots of books. All the books Borders has in stock!
Ethan, clearly placating me: You get right on that, baby!

Seth, almost 1000 miles away: So when are you coming to visit me?
Me, considering the trip: Well, Jimmy is going to come with me.
Seth, repeating the question: Yes, but when are you coming?
Me, marginally on topic: When you find a girl to keep Jimmy company. He needs to be distracted, dammit. I can only do so much!

Jimmy, answering his phone: Hello?
Me, in a high-pitched giggle: Helloooooo.
Jimmy, discerning as always: Did you take Ambien again?
Me, elongating my words: Yessss.
Jimmy, moderately amused: And how are you enjoying it?
Me, clearly hallucinating: I see tap-dancing cows in top hats!
Jimmy, laughing hysterically: Oh do you?
Me, sounding indignant: They're on their hooves, Jimmy. They're on their HOOVES!

Me, crossing my legs: I have to pee.
Jimmy, the voice of logic: Go to the bathroom.
Me, following the directions: Okay.
(I walk to the bathroom, stumbling as I go.)
Me, staring at the toilet: I don't remember how it works. There's some complicated machinery here.
Jimmy, commenting wryly: Are we talking about you or the toilet?

Internet, this incident defies explanation. I was bewildered by the workings of modern day plumbing, yet I was able to get out of bed, walk across the room, unplug my phone, type in the password, and scroll through my contacts list. I barely have that much coordination when I'm awake. Isn't it a good thing I don't have your number?



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posted by Aurelie @ 1:48 AM   1 comments
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
An Introduction
"Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx, American Comedian.

Welcome, dear blog reader, to "A Strangling Winter." My name is Aurelie.

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No, it isn't. To ensure complete honesty in my posts, I am going to remain anonymous, with only that carefully chosen moniker for identification purposes. I don't live exactly where this blog will say I live, although NYC is technically correct. I don't work exactly where this blog will say I work, although the field and job responsibilities will be fairly accurate. None of the people mentioned in this blog will have the names, physical characteristics, or ages that I say they do -- and yet their character and impact on my life will remain true. None of the events mentioned in this blog will have happened exactly where, or even when, I say they did. Apart from that, and perhaps because of that, everything else will be perfectly true. A snapshot of my life, to look back on in the years to come.

Back in January, an internet friend and fellow blog reader, invited me to compose a list of ten honest things about myself. As we are still virtual strangers, dear internet, I present you with the list.

1. My blog title comes from the Dashboard Confessional song Hell On The Throat. With correction to reflect my own gender, the lines "It's hard to belong to a [boy] or a song in the crease of a strangling winter" particularly spoke to me. If you glance to the left of your screen you'll find another lyric from the song, promising that "When the sand turns to glass, and all that's left is the past, I will love you still." During our time together, I sincerely hope you'll develop your own theories as to the meaning I've attributed to those lyrics.

2. I begin each entry with a quotation, and will likely continue to do so, as quotations are one of two things I collect. I currently have three Word files filled with quotations garnered from a variety of sources: philosophy, literature, music, movies and television to name a few. My other collections? Underwear. My sincere appreciation for Victoria's Secret is a bit mystifying to me. Nevertheless, my collection spans the top three drawers of my dresser. I anticipate that knee-high socks will become my third collection in the year to come.

3. I received my doctoral degree in psychology a few months before my 27th birthday. There are moments when I am stymied that someone with my emotional fragility and record of poor decision-making could earn such a degree. There are other moments in which I am confident in my ability to effectively comfort and guide the hurting. I still receive letters from former patients thanking me for helping them.

4. If I won the lottery, I believe I could be perfectly happy buying a tiny cottage in the Irish countryside and penning novels no one would ever read.

5. My biggest flaw: overanalyzing everything. To death. Repeatedly. This aids me in my chosen profession. This wreaks havoc on my personal life and stress level. There are times I need to consciously remind myself to stop dwelling on a particular thought, word, action, or suspicion. I'm working on it.

6. My second biggest flaw: perfectionism. Example? I will spend half an hour writing and rewriting one sentence, until it sounds exactly the way I want it to. Is it any wonder I tend to start blogs and never finish them?

7. Related to my perfectionism is my propensity to measure my own worth in terms of accomplishment. I've always believed that I needed to earn love, that it would never be freely given. One misstep and I was confident it would be taken away. I'm not sure where I developed this idea but it explains my difficulty accepting the concept of grace (unmerited favor). It also explains why my self-worth is often tied up in other's opinions of me.

8. My biggest fear: losing those closest to me. My most frequent nightmare revolves around the eventual death of my father. I once told him that I would rather die young than have to experience his death and the grief that will follow it. The sad look on his face kept me from ever saying that again.

9. My most irrational fear: bumblebees. It is not unlike me to shriek and veer in the opposite direction if a bumblebee is nearby. In the summertime, I keep the hose nearby at all times. If a bumblebee gets too close, I douse him with a sharp stream of water.

1o. Music speaks to me in a way few other things do. I chronicle my life in the lyrics of the songs I love. In fact, nearly every person in my life has a song that I've attributed to them. The most important people in my life have several.

So there you have it, internet. Ten honest things about me, for better or for worse. Here's to many more honest moments to come.

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posted by Aurelie @ 3:53 PM   1 comments
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Name: Aurelie
Home: NYC, United States
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